PAID IN COOKIES
59
PAID IN COOKIES
So it’s that time of year again. And little children everywhere will be putting out cookies and milk for Santa. Some will be putting out homemade cookies baked from recipes that have survived from generation to generation. These are the cookies hand-crafted, made with love, some with too much icing, some with too much red or green sugar sprinkled on top. Some of these cookies will be unidentifiable in shape – ‘is it a reindeer or a boot or a hat?’ Others will put out Oreos or other store-bought cookies. But mostly, all offerings will present a glass of milk, maybe cocoa or eggnog, but for the most part milk. And it will ALL BE GONE, thanks to one man.
You’d think by the end of the holiday, Santa would be sick of cookies, eh? Maybe he’s on Nutri-system, Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers? Or maybe he’d prefer a crème brulee?
Has anyone considered Santa could by now, be lactose intolerant?
Maybe Santa is now into soy milk, almond milk…. Or maybe his doctor thinks it would be best to offer non-fat so he won’t go into cardiac arrest while driving his sleigh.
My nephews somehow heard that Santa preferred Scottish shortbread and a glass of Single Malt Scotch, straight up. I don’t know if this necessarily made a difference in the loot they received, but nonetheless, Santa was a bit jollier and had a less curmudgeon-esque rub-off on other household members. But this means Santa is drinking and driving. Ah, perhaps not the best idea.
While tradition may be tradition, I find it fascinating how many people honor the conventional traditions pitched in storybooks, movies and TV. I find it equally fascinating how others create their own unconventional ideas of how to celebrate and really try to analyze Santa’s likes and dislikes.
On today’s local news, ‘Santa’ was wearing a green suit, because Santa decided to suddenly go ‘eco’ and try to get holiday shoppers to shop green. I’ve seen him in a purple suit, an orange suit, skinny, plump, male, female and with an impressive variety of eyewear. I’ve seen Santa in a Gay Pride parade in not much of a suit. I’ve seen Urban Santa. The other day I saw a blue suit, HannuKlaus. Santa has come out as half Jewish.
From tropical Santa on a surfboard, to Santa having a mix of heights in his elf nation, some elves who have posed for Playboy – Santa is changing, people. Slowly, but surely… he is expressing himself in a number of different looks and is running with a new crowd.
In 1976, Jimmy Osmond wanted to bring a ‘reality check’ to Santa when delivering gifts to Los Angelenos with “It Never Snows In L.A.” This ‘heads-up’ was to alert him that there wasn’t any snow here, so don’t bring your sleigh, bring your car.
Well, if Santa ‘listened’ – maybe you’re wondering what the heck he is driving these days. Is he driving an E.V. or is he driving a Hummer in order to hold all his stash? It’s doubtful, he’s trying to work off all those cookies, and has started riding a bike. Regardless, he is still ‘breaking and entering’ and running around with ‘ho’s,’ kissing random ‘mommies’ across the world, and somehow people seem to be okay with it.
Perhaps the idea of Santa may change, but what won’t change is the idea that he is ‘psychic’ and seems to know if you’re sleeping or not and keeps a list of good and bad people and cleans your chimney with his robust abs. He employs year ‘round and didn’t ask for a bailout. And this is better than most places these days, so maybe there’s hope for the economy, thanks to the hundreds of cookies we pay him.
© Media Monster Communications, Inc.
